| We don't usually watch the news in our home | | | | it until we discussed what it was that most |
| because it is usually so filled with madness and | | | | human beings need when we are stricken by |
| fear, but a little while back my husband needed to | | | | unreasonable grief and loss. What we need is |
| hear the weather report. Unfortunately before we | | | | someone to share it with. And he would not allow |
| could find out about any imminent storms, we | | | | her to share it. He himself was so disturbed by |
| first had to hear every viscous detail in the | | | | her loss that he couldn't be present for her in any |
| ongoing BP Gulf disaster, some dire predictions | | | | meaningful way. He couldn't stand her suffering so |
| about a new financial debacle and finally an insane, | | | | he had to make it go away, right away. |
| unpredicted, and vicious attack on nursery children | | | | What Is Verbal First Aid? |
| in China. | | | | There are three components to Verbal First Aid. |
| They did not explain much except to say that a | | | | 1. The awareness that a person who is sick, in |
| man (perhaps the third in recent history) barged | | | | pain, or in a state of crisis is in fact in an altered |
| into a nursery and began attacking them wildly | | | | state, what clinical professionals call "dissociation" |
| with a hammer. He then poured gasoline over | | | | and we call "the healing zone." It is in this state |
| himself and lit a match. | | | | that a person is most receptive to what is being |
| I have worked and been friends with countless | | | | said to or around him. He is more suggestible and |
| military and paramilitary men and women. I can't | | | | words, therefore, are more powerful. |
| imagine anyone, regardless of stress hardiness or | | | | 2. The development of rapport forms the basis |
| training, who would not be disgusted or horrified | | | | for all the work that comes next. Rapport is the |
| by that situation. I certainly was and I have heard | | | | understanding and trust between us and whoever |
| stories and stood at scenes that have made | | | | we are trying to help. When we are in rapport |
| life-long imprints. | | | | with another person, we are saying, "I see you |
| I have been teaching Verbal First Aid principles to | | | | and I'm here to help you." |
| lay and professional audiences since 1994. And | | | | 3. The delivery of therapeutic suggestion is the |
| somehow it always comes down to this. At some | | | | pay off of both one and two. When a person is in |
| point during the talk, a hand slowly raises and the | | | | crisis and we have created a state of rapport, |
| question-in one form or another- is asked: | | | | we are able to use words to facilitate healing |
| What do you say when a parent loses a kid? | | | | more directly and effectively. |
| What do you say when it seems like there's | | | | When people are injured or sick, even if they are |
| nothing reasonable to say? | | | | also very frightened, these steps have been |
| The Two Questions of Suffering and Healing | | | | shown to be a very reliable way to move them |
| I hear two parts to that question: | | | | towards healing. A person who has lost a child is |
| The first part is: What do we say to the parent, | | | | not just suffering from a cut, a broken bone or a |
| to the child or to any other injured party to help | | | | disease. This is not to minimize any of those |
| facilitate healing in the most immediately | | | | issues at all. When we're sick, it can feel like the |
| necessary way? | | | | end of the world. But what is needed is different. |
| That part we believe we can address very easily | | | | With grief and horror, what Verbal First Aid calls |
| with Verbal First Aid. | | | | for is the power to see and hear, the strength of |
| The simple answer is this: We say exactly what | | | | presence. One medic I know told me a story of a |
| we would say to anyone else with a cut, a burn, | | | | call she'd taken many years ago, one that still |
| a contusion, or a broken bone. We use words as | | | | brings tears to her eyes. She'd arrived at the |
| medicine to speak directly to the person's | | | | scene of a motor vehicle accident that involved |
| autonomic system, facilitating a more rapid and | | | | two elderly people. Their car had been T-boned |
| effective healing. The context matters less than | | | | by a truck on the driver's side. The driver, the |
| the immediate rapport between you and the | | | | passenger's husband of 42 years, had been killed |
| person you're helping and the specific suggestions | | | | instantly. The passenger, his wife, had been |
| for healing you deliver. | | | | extricated with minor injuries and was sitting near |
| The second part is harder: What do we say about | | | | the ambulance having her vitals taken. My medic |
| the horror? What do we say about the insanity | | | | friend was new on the job and had been given |
| of a random and seemingly incomprehensible loss? | | | | the unenviable task of telling the woman that the |
| What do we do with sorrow and suffering? I | | | | man she had lived with for 42 years was gone. |
| think these are actually questions of theology | | | | She remembered that her instincts took over. |
| more than medicine, but I do believe that Verbal | | | | She sat with her and waited for her to ask, |
| First Aid can be of help here as well. Just not in | | | | "Where's my husband?" And she took her hand |
| the same way. | | | | and told her in simple language that they had done |
| Allow me to explain: | | | | everything they could but they couldn't save him. |
| A social worker I am supervising came in with a | | | | And then as the woman wept, she held her. |
| case that was very disturbing to him. | | | | After a while, she looked up and asked her, "Was |
| A client came into his office in terrible discomfort. | | | | it fast?" |
| She had just lost a baby in a late-term | | | | The medic said, "Yes. He never knew what |
| miscarriage. She was crying, sometimes sobbing, | | | | happened." |
| wanting to know "why?" She and her husband | | | | Then the elderly woman asked, "But we were |
| had been trying to get pregnant for two years | | | | going to have our anniversary next week. Why?" |
| and suddenly her hopes-and the love she had | | | | And all she could do was say, "I don't know." |
| begun to feel-had been dashed. | | | | *** |
| A young and eager social worker, he immediately | | | | There are things we can do to help a person find |
| tried to console her by offering words of | | | | some comfort or hope, things we can say that |
| encouragement: "You'll get pregnant again." "It's | | | | can make inflammatory responses seem to |
| okay." "There's a reason for everything." | | | | disappear, wounds heal faster, and rapid hearts |
| With every attempt at easing her suffering he | | | | beat slower. And in those cases, Verbal First Aid |
| only succeeded in getting one deflection after | | | | can seem magical. |
| another. "But you don't understand..." she'd say | | | | But when the heart is broken or the person's |
| and try once more to get across her pain. And | | | | world turned upside down, Verbal First Aid leads |
| once again he would try to assuage it. | | | | us to a higher place, where words take a back |
| Finally, she erupted at him. "What is with you??!!" | | | | seat to spirit and the understanding that we all |
| And she left. | | | | stand before Mystery at every moment. |
| He was stunned and hurt. He couldn't understand | | | | |